Worry. Don't be happy.

I thought Bobby McFerrin was my friend. I thought it was possible to find personal contentment living my life by the tenets laid out in the lyrics of his song 'Don’t Worry Be Happy'? On first glance, the lyrical instructions do seem to lay out a philosophy designed to promote everyday elation and dispel feelings of recurrent, nihilistic depression. To the desperate layman, it may seem like a foolproof design for life, but probe ‘neath the surface of this uplifting ditty, and you’ll find that it is, in fact, an insidious, hate-filled anthem angling towards abuse, guilt, and possibly the control of your very mortal soul.

“Here’s a little song I wrote, you might want to sing it note for note, don't worry be happy…”

Yes, you might want to sing it note for note, but remember that Bobby’s salivating lawyers are poised to strike INSTANTLY against any form of copyright infringement where appropriate royalties are not paid. It’s a little song that HE wrote. HIM. Sure, casually breach his intellectual property. And then be in his debt for the rest of your sorry LIFE.

In every life we have some trouble, when you worry you make it double, don't worry, be happy…

Yes, do try to ignore Bobby’s gradual influence on your EVERY WAKING DECISION. The subtext here? “Analyse our relationship too closely and you’ll find yourself in a spiralling nightmare of exponential anxiety” – here’s a man who keeps his prey ignorant and unquestioning, forever primed to do his whistle-themed bidding.

Ain't got no place to lay your head, somebody came and took your bed, don't worry, be happy…

A laissez-faire attitude to impending homelessness just isn’t going to stand you in any kind of stead. You need to arrange temporary accommodation, contact hostels, that kind of thing. Or maybe Bobby knows someone who will let you stay with them in exchange for a few harmless ‘favours’. What’s the bets that this generous soul turns out to be a man called Vinny who has weird smelling packages that need delivering and who gets lonely during the night?

The landlord say your rent is late, he may have to litigate, don't worry, be happy…

Whilst it is not advisable to fixate on any upcoming court appearances to the detriment of your mental wellbeing, do not take Bobby’s word that mindless, complacent optimism will form the basis of an adequate defence in a civil case. Your landlord has a good case. You owe the guy money – what’s he gonna do, let you off because you’re ignoring it and grinning? Wake up and smell the cheesecake - Bobby’s certainly not going to some up with the money for you. Not without some insane repayment scheme, anyway. Get yourself a job, or get yourself a LAWYER. Stop whistling inanely, and step away from the Bobby.

Look at me I am happy, don't worry, be happy, here I give you my phone number, when you worry call me - I make you happy…

Yes, take his card. Go on. Take it. Sure, he’ll make you happy. This first time’s free. But just remember where to come when you want some more. Oh, Bobby’s soooooooo good to you. But what about when you have to do something for HIM? Huh? HUH?

Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style, ain't got not girl to make you smile, but don't worry be happy…

Finally, you’re stripped of even basic levels of dignity, and that’s JUST THE WAY BOBBY LIKES IT. No financial resources, little in the way of clothing that leaves you with any kind of self respect and a nothing in the arena of potential romantic partners. But isn’t Bobby good to you? See, he’s the only one you can rely on in this life. YOU ARE NOW HIS SLAVE. Dare to question him, and feel his (albeit jaunty) wrath…

‘Cos when you worry, your face will frown - And that will bring everybody down, so don't worry, be happy...

The classic evolution of an abusive relationship continues apace. The laying on of a massive guilt complex is the final piece in the grimy jigsaw of your pitiful downfall. Bobby was just trying to HELP YOU. You still got problems? That’s YOUR FAULT, FOOL. You may as well give in now. At this point you are probably cleaning his bathroom with your tongue and disposing of bodies for him in the night.

Please don’t fall for this, and remember, friends don’t let friends not worry and be happy.

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